not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
