i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize