Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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