LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
