Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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