After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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