New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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