Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Hippo gnu deer
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
