Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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