New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
