I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
