you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
