You really coming over, don't trick.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
