ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
