google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
