i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
