dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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