Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
