It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
