shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
