Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
