so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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