I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She even gives head with a lisp.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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