Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
false alarm, still single
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize