my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
