i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
