Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
