Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
