i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
