Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
try to milk me bitch
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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