You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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