woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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