Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
