Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
