I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
