I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have fence marks all over my body
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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