i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
