take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
