how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
