I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
