i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
