She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
