Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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