just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
