Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
