I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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