Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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