We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
