Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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