I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
