I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
