He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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