side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
