so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
