Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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