Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
