I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
