I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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