I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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